10 things every man must own?

Combine one part busy and three parts forgetful and what do you get, no entries for a week!

10 Things every man must own?

I ran across this article on the msn.com home page. Supposedly, it's 10 must own items for bachelors. So here we go on what I think of this list:

1. A top notch coffee/espresso maker (he suggests a designer one at $230): Um, I friggin' hate coffee, it's disgusting dirt that's urinated into my hot water. It smells bad and tastes worse! So why the hell should I spend even the cost of Safeway generic instant coffee. To make for her when she wakes up? A) That'd be a miracle if it ever happened to me. b) I wouldn't want to kiss her with that godawful coffee breath mixed with morning breath. Blecchhhh.

2. A lamp in the bedroom: Maybe it's just common sense, but who the hell doesn't have any form of light in the bedroom, or any room for that matter. (I'm sure some women would say that men have no lights in the closets)

3. Swiffer Sweeper: I agree with Metrosexual Matt on this one, Swiffer rocks.

4. A comfortable couch: Yet another duh!!! But he goes on to suggest something in the $1000 range. The only things I buy for over $1000 have six strings, four wheels, or run at 2.4 GHZ.

5. Nice Underwear: Sure, but does it have to be designer? Kind of says something about you that you may not want if women is what you're going after, if you know what I mean.

6. A key ring that can fix anything: In the sense of having tools, yes, cool, but he says to use it to impress her and make yourself indispensible.

7. $150 Jean: Well why don't you come over and kick my dog too! $150 jeans, I had no idea that there was such a thing. They're denim, which is cotton, usually blue. How can that be $150? I guess it's just proof that stupid people will buy anything if you convince them they need it.

8. $200 dress shoes: Excuse me while I attempt to cleanse my mouth of the bile that's formed from hurling. I can understand going out and having nice shoes, but $200? I have a nice pair of Skechers I got for $30. They're black, they have laces. Good enough.

9. 300 Thread count sheets: I don't understand what this means, you can make sheets out of 300 threads? How long are they? The last set of sheets I bought were black. That's what I wanted.

10. The Joy of Cooking: Any guy who can't cook just doesn't pay attention. There was usually someone in the house that cooked at least once when they were a kid. You could learn something by paying attention. If not them, then oh, I don't know, the FUCKING FOOD NETWORK. I don't know what's in this book, I don't care, but this jerk off suggested it, so it must suck.

So there you have it, according to "Metrosexual" Matt Scheiderman, 10 things every single guy must own. Yeah, whatever. Sounds to me he's schlepping for online stores, or just trying keep up the notion that only the stylish guys are really worth anything to women. Sure I'd guess that if a lot of guys followed tips like this, and a lot of the ones in Maxim that they'd have a really easy time getting women. You know what I've found, they're assholes. Didn't the mothers of these girls tell them not to date someone prettier than them, he'll spend more time in the bathroom than her. Second, I think the definition of metrosexual is "gay, but they don't know it yet."(not that there's anything wrong with that!) They date a lot until around 30, get married by 35, then divorced because they realize they're true self.

My second point is I don't have to worry about any of this crap because I'm undateable. I'll explain that some other time. It's very liberating. I've watched some of my friends totally contradict themselves, spew BS all in the name of impressing women. Me, I don't care. It doesn't matter whether I hold back or not, so screw it, I won't, hence what you see above.

Oh, I have something that should be on this list. How about an actual interesting personality. And some common sense. And a little compassion, instead of being a stupid arrogant dick?

Weekend Adventures

When's a better time to post about the weekend than on a Tuesday?!
On Friday night I went to a happy hour, for me! I got a promotion so I wanted to celebrate with some friends I hadn't seen in a while. I got a good crowd, some couldn't make it, but a good time was had anyway (just another excuse to have another happy hour later). Later in the evening, a trio of us went to a karaoke bar (what is it with that and me lately?) and did a couple songs. I did very average on Tonight, Tonight from the Pumpkins (didn't help the words were wrong on the screen), and I massacred Cochise from Audioslave (again, I must have been drunk to pick that one!). Thing is, I actually can sing it, I do it in my living room, and even tested myself on my PA to hear myself better. That night, my throat dried up, and since the song is a screamer, I pretty much sucked! My friend got the entire bars attention though. She did Piece of My Heart (Janis Joplin) and got congrats all around.
The next day I went to my nephew's 1st birthday party (I'm his honorary uncle since my friend, his mom, was an only child). He's a cute kid, and kind of demanding (just like mommy!). It was, what I'd guess a typical 1st birthday party would be. Some crying, then happy, then crying, then happy. A million pictures taken. Of course, I never have a camera with me, but here's a picture I have that my friend sent me:


Sunday I woke up early (8:30 is early on a Sunday, and that means it was important to me) to go see the new Batman. And it was awesome. The original Tim Burton one from '89 is one of my favorite movies, and this one is right up there. I fully intend to go see it again. For the record, the Star Wars count is now at 4.

Paris Hilton is "retiring"

People are stupid, this can be the only explanation for this, whatever the hell she is, to be famous (I'd call her a treehole skank, but that'd be an insult to skanks and the hole in the tree!).

Paris is retiring

Apparently she's tired of her partying life and wants to "settle down." Uh-huh. As long as she's out of the news. Personally, I rank her as one of the top 5 most annoying people in the world.

Karaoke

Japanese for tone deaf...

I never thought I'd actually like doing it, and maybe it's just that I was drunk on Friday, but along with my friend, and the happy hour migration, I did two songs at a "karaoke annex" (that's what I call it) at a bar called Hurricane Bay. The bar is really a large dance club, with an island theme. Off to the side though, they have a karaoke bar. It's small, but it has a stage, which I've never used before. The few times that I've done it have been where they just hand you the mic at your table, and you go from there. As with all types of these event, there are those that are really good (including my friend) and some that are really bad. I guess I fit in the middle, though my friend was telling me that I did good and people asked her if I was a singer. I did "Like a Stone" from Audioslave (and I really must have been drunk to start off with that one; Chris Cornell is an excellent singer with a very dynamic voice) and "Bullet with Butterfly Wings" from the Smashing Pumpkins. I think I did OK on "Like a Stone" but people told me I did really well (though, I'm not one to really take compliments well, I'm wierd that way) For the Pumpkins song, I was fairly confident on it because I do a pretty decent Billy Corgan impression. I even had my growling Corgan scream going! One song that I try to do that impresses people is "It's the End of the World as We Know It (and I Feel Fine)" from my favorite band, R.E.M. Not my singing ability, but the fact that I know all the words. It's not on every list though. The last time I did that one, I was staring at a baseball game while the words were on a TV behind me! Yes, sometimes, I kind of like to show off!

The Mars Volta

Tonight I went to go see The Mars Volta. They're a band out of California (I think) that is progressive rock/progressive hard rock/concept album band sort of. Imagine the Grateful Dead doing Frank Zappa interpretations of Led Zeppelin songs (if you understand that combination reference, congratulations, you're wierd), on major drugs (I guess that goes without saying) with congas and latin beats (the two main dudes are Mexican). The concert was really good. Not incredible, but when you do a 20 minute version of a song that was only on an independent EP, some people may let their minds wander. Very trippy though. I myself don't do drugs, that's why I go to these shows.
Lots of kids too, which means that I'm getting old. I kept looking around and wanting to yell (like Denis Leary) "PULL UP YOUR PANTS!" You'd think these dudes with the saggy pants would grow out of that trend. Nope. They just get lower. Like I said, I guess I'm getting older.

Concerts

Speaking of concerts, it got me thinking, I think I go to a lot, but I'm not sure how I compare. Generally I hit about 10 a year, and have done about 105 (this doesn't include seeing a band in a bar or small stage at the fair, this is just ticketed events)
Here's the list for this year:
U2
Audioslave
Wilco (in Flagstaff)

Coming up:
The Mars Volta
Oasis w/ Jet
Green Day w/ Jimmy Eat World
Rolling Stones (maybe)
Pearl Jam x3 (if they tour this year, could be next)
Weezer (if they show up here)

And for the one where everyone thinks I'm nuts. I've seen R.E.M. 18 times, 5 of which came last year. And I want to go to Europe to see them again, but I can't afford that. : (

Rich People are Boring

So last night I turn on NBC to see The Eagles in their Farewell I concert special. First off, the fact that they have a Farewell I concert special on NBC (which actually isn't even a concert, but a collection of highlights from one show with interview snippets) says that they're old and used to be good. Now, don't get me wrong, the Eagles were pretty good, back in the day, and I did buy that Hell Freezes Over album (on cassette, not CD) but it's also the only Eagles album I have. They're not the kind of band that I'd go nuts for, but I know a lot of their songs and usually will leave one on if I hear it on the radio. Watching this last night, I'm seeing a very common thread in these older bands, they play the songs almost exactly like they recorded them. This is good for some people, but I'd like to see some improvisation, even if it's just in a guitar solo here and there. And all the songs are their hits, it's like they're a walking talking greatest hits album. You may as well stay home, save the money and hassle and listen to the CD. At least the Rolling Stones (Inc., a band in the same category that charges up to $450 for the top level seats, even the "cheap" seats are $65, WTF!?!?!), usually will release an album that is somewhat decent, sometimes good, so they have new stuff to play on tour. They have to do something to keep themselves from getting bored, otherwise it shows. (Try it, make a list with 23 songs on it and listen to it 4 days a week, for 3 months, I doubt you could handle it.)
Second, there's where the crowd up front sits on their rich (probably surgically altered) asses, mildly claps in between songs. Why are they rich, because these bands charge somewhere in the neighborhood of $200-$500 for seats up front, and when they get sold by scalpers, the tickets will range in the $1000 range. Who can afford that, except for boring rich people. They're more concerned with their moussed hair, leather coats, designer clothes/shoes, drinking champagne/wine/imported beer, and talking throught the entire set. It's disgusting. And this show was from Australia, I would have though that Aussies would have more sense than that. That's why I like bands like R.E.M. and Pearl Jam who reserve the majority of the front sections for their fan clubs (there's still quite a few that get out to scalpers and comps for business associates of the venue). That really curbs down on that crap and the people that deserve to be up front, for the most part, are. Standing, yelling and screaming, jumping (that's a European thing, I've heard they move like a wave, I have to see an R.E.M. show there) That's how a crowd should be at a rock show. Even U2 tries by making the floor of their arena shows general admission. That way, those who really care, line up early to get a good area near the stage. Unfortunately, I had one of the worst sounding seats, and a bad crowd around me, that really ruined the experience. I should have been on the floor, dammit!!!!! But I digress...